"Nothing that needs to hide in the dark has any authentic power of its own." - Alberto Villoldo
This past week I was triggered and thrown off my center when I found myself (like so many others) freezing and alone in my apartment unable to get in my car and leave.
I felt trapped, in danger, and alone.
Understanding that my body was going into a full fight-or-flight stress response allowed me to step back and observe what was going on in my mind and body as I was experiencing it. (Thanks years of meditation practices!)
I was managing okay at first as I reached out to my neighbors in my complex and took a break to warm up in my car and cry to a friend releasing some of my anxiety coming up, but it wasn't until I came back inside my apartment when FEAR paid a visit!
Fear feeds the dark unconscious spaces of your psyche that are otherwise harmless. Once I let fear in, I started to spiral....
Cool, calm, bad ass, "one tough cookie" Amber, took a 180.
Feelings of being trapped turned into fear of suffocation. Feelings of mild danger turned into unrealistic realities and horrific thoughts of death and abandonment. It all felt so REAL!
After about an hour of witnessing my panic, my higher self came back online and I was able to put fear in the back seat instead of allowing it to take over and drive.
I connected back to my spiritual and healing journey lessons I've learned over my short lifetime. I remembered that I am always safe, supported, and held by something greater - even when I don't see it in the moment.
Call it god, the universe, angels, whatever you believe - I was indeed NOT alone and all was happening for a reason.
I shifted my perspective and called out the fear for what it was -> food for my dark unconscious to feed off of.
Now, I didn't magically feel cool, calm, and collected. I wish! I was still experiencing a huge stress response....
BUT, ...I started to calm down and create a plan to hunker down and get my animals and myself warm. I eventually had a friend then reach out and help us all get a safe ride out of my freezing house.
The rest of the week continued to be a mixed bag of beauty and community along with suffering and deep grief along with experiencing constant fight-or-flight in my nervous system.
(my animals stressed but safe at a friends house)
What I learned through this is how powerful FEAR can be. How my wounds and past traumas could come out from the darkness when least expected when they had fear to feast on.
That no matter how much an individuals works on themselves, each and everyone of us is a part of the conscious collective and we are all interconnected! No one is untouched from what goes on in this world.
I have seen empathy grow from this collective experience and community come together. The truths of inequality continue to be shown the light. Change is happening within each of us and rippling out externally.
I am grateful for my experience with fear. The only time my "darkness" has power over me is when I feed it fear or make it my enemy.
Instead, I continue to learn and teach others how to dance with the darkness and make it an ally, so that the wisdom for it being there in the first place can come out into the light and be seen.
We are living in the world where the darkness wants to be seen more than ever and we are all going through a massive awakening that I believe is necessary for change.
I pray that fear doesn't get the best of us and hope we as a collective courageously face the darkness together and discover the truth of what has authentic power in our world, and what does not.
Blessings and love, Amber